When Nothing Goes Right
WHAT AM I GOING TO DO?!
I don't know what to do sometimes. It seems like life just loves to throw obstacles my way. I am a worry-rat. My (amazing) husband tells me all the time, 'Babe, you have got to stop stressing over things you can't control'...or 'Don't worry about it. Let me handle it.' He is wonderful. He is my rock, my standing ground, my everything. I, too often, take him for granted. He has done, and continues to do, soooo fuc*ing much for our little family. I mean, come on, the dude busts his a$$ of so that I can stay home and raise our child AND go to school.
Anyways.... I have been down quite a bit lately. This is mostly because of an injury that I have received back in early January. I am getting better. It's a slow and annoying process. With this injury, my husband had to pick up the slack in the mommy and wife duties. For example:
- I have not been able to give our child a bath due to not being able to bend.
- I have not been able to cook because I can not stand for longer than a couple of minutes.
- I have not been able to sleep in our bed because it does not offer enough support.
So...since I have kind of gotten off track, let me get back on the rails. Just about everyone knows the struggles and pain of bill times. Many ask the same questions each month:
- Will I have enough money to pay rent?
- Will I be able to put food on the table this week?
- What about my car? Am I going to have to push back another payment?
- My credit cards are maxed out...will they allow me to postpone payments?
- Is this a test?
- What am I going to do?!
So, last night I decided to check the bank account to see how far in the hole we were. I saw the balance and just bawled my eyes out. We were deeper down than originally thought. We don't even have enough to pay the rent that is due in 5 days! I tried to be quiet and worry in silence, but my body decided to go into a full-on anxiety attack.... which woke my husband up (mind you, I am in the living room and he is in the bedroom at the opposite end of the house). He rushes to me thinking that I am in pain again. I apologize over and over again for waking him up and that I wasn't in pain...while still bawling my eyes out. I just pointed to my phone where the bank info was still pulled up. I couldn't catch my breath, my chest started tightening, and I was getting real shakey and light headed."Calm down, babe. It's fine. I will take care of it. Take deep breaths." He stayed until I calmed and then kissed my forehead and went back to bed.
I couldn't sleep. It was almost 5 in the morning whenever my body finally gave up and allowed me to sleep. I woke up 5 hours later. I am fine right now, but needed to vent. So, that is what I am doing...or at least what I did.
I always tell myself and others, 'God does not put on our plates more than what we can handle.' There is a reason for everything. I am not quite sure what the reason for our financial struggle right now is, but I am sure I will come to appreciate it later in life. For now, I am going to try and clear my mind and concentrate on raising a wonderful child.
I know I kind of jumped ship towards the end, but I didn't know how to bring this post to an end. Honestly, this post is more for me than it is for you.... but you are more than welcome to read.